Thursday, June 7, 2018

Post Diary thoughts

I have been taking time off for a while, in fact a little more longer because I really need to get over some things and have a griefing process. 

It has not been easy ever I lost my baby early this year. 

My body has never been this weak before and I noticed the difference after having a baby and not having one. The scars are still there.

One loss after one loss came again and both grandmas passed away in a period of one year.

The hope of future seems so bleak. 

11 June 2018 is our second Wedding Anniversary. I am grateful to come thus far, to go thru the hardships of marriage and learn to compromise more. Sometimes, it may seem breaking down, but God always remind me again and again the promise I made. 

The joy we had. The love we had.
Thank You Amos for going through one of the darkest periods of my life. The pain remains, But I know that will make me stronger. 
Both of us are stubborn and is best if one gives and take. 

I know people around me are concern about me, my family been asking what I am doing everyday. 

I need to let u all know that is a period I need to reflect, grow, change and regain back whatever I have lost. Without this, I can't stand out better next time. 

But I know things will get better soon. Be it financially or my OCD or my life goals. I will be back soon. Just give me time to grieve and get over it. I promise real soon.

Love Darlene 

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Mama's Farewell

Farewell MAMA, 

You left too soon, when we least expected. With just a phonecall, you were gone within hours.

Dementia stole my mama long ago. When i tell my friends that mama died last Sunday at age 89 years, the response is "you were blessed to have her for so long.” That is true in the technical sense. But the truth is that my mama had been gone for several years before she took her last breath. By the time mama was in her 70s, her mind was beginning to fail. It started slowly.

From what I remember, my mama is a very strong and simple lady. Tall build because she was well fed and taken care of. Doesn't really like to go out and often sits by the window looking out as the day passes in evening. 
She usually like to ask where I am going when I go out. She seldom show her concern as she doesn't know how. She has the same routine everyday. 
Many a times, I would eat with her and even how simple and common the dishes are, she would eat like it seems very delicious. I would stare at her eating and she would say, :"What are you looking at? Eat your food." 
But i don't find the food very delicious like her. ;/
Sometimes, I lie with her on her master bed and listen to her child birth stories when she gave birth to her children. How the doctor wanted her thumbprint because she nearly died during the birth of her son.
She told me how my dad only drink condense milk instead of milk powder because they were so poor. And how they started from just a one room place to now a semi detached landed house. I was fascinated with her stories. I would listen as she wipe her face with her handkerchief that she always had beside her.

My fave dish of hers is tang yuan. Her tang yuan were the best. She would patiently roll them into balls, and cooked them in sweet water. They were delicious and until today, whenever i eat white and pink tang yuan balls, it would remind me of the time when we made them together.

Those were little moments that I would treasure because this is what our relationship is- cumulative of little moments. Mama is a contented and simple person. She does not ask for a lot, and yet she is happy. Just look at her clothes -they all have the same style - just made of different fabric pattern. It's pants with button-down shirt.

She could stay home all day. She has a routine. From what i remembered, she would wake up, eat oatmeal, strolled at the nearby park, do some household routines, shower before lunch. She likes afternoon naps and does not like to go out alone, and would only shop at the local stores. She had few friends and her life revolves around the family, grandkids and her relatives. She is always there for us. When I got baptized, she came to witness our baptism.

Even though I was very young, I remember my gong gong and mama loved each other deeply and worked hard to build a family together.

It wasn’t until she passed away that I am able to honor the memories she would have wanted me to keep, the vibrant ones, the ones unfettered by repetitive questions and painful moments of outright confusion. And now that I can only reach back through the memories, i promise to share the best ones i have with my, God-willing, children, grandchildren, and great-grand children. I want them to know that I had a mama, who filled me with enough love to pass on a gift like that to all of them.

I wish you could have came to my wedding.
I wish I could have hug u more.
I wish I could have talk to u more even though u don't reply.
I wish you wouldn't suffer so much pain for so long.
I wish we could be like last time when you could talk so loud and chattily to me.
I wish I could have seen you for the last time. I miss you mama. See you in heaven.

My Grandpa & Grandma are together now.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

New Year Goals^^

Happy New Year! あけましておめでとうございます。
How's everyone doing this 2018? 
Have you made your new year resolutions?
2017 has been a eventful year so this year would be focus on my work and baby.

Things I learnt this 2017-
1. Life goes on, it doesn't stop
2. Time heals
3. Some friends come and go
4.Preparation is important
5. Dreams do come true, if you believe and take action
6. Everyone has fears
7. Money speak louder than words
8.Be patient is easier said than done

Things to work on in 2018-
1. Save more Spend less
2. Prepare to be a mother for my 2018 Baby!
3. Eat healthy well
4. Be positive everyday
5. Exercise at least once a week
6. Pray more
7. Spend quality time with family
8. Never stop learning!

Hope you will also make better goals and achieve them in 2018!

Friday, December 22, 2017

We are having a baby! Here comes the BABY bump!

Hello Everybody!✋

My greatest dream is realized! 😆

I got a very big big news to make... I am pregnant!! 😂

I am revealing this early though despite the (after the 3 month) confirmation.
I have been waiting and wondering when this day will ever come but God has a plan. I simply had to wait and be patient. 
Amos & I are thrilled beyond words and although we have been talking about getting getting a baby but we didn't know it would be this time. I thought we could try next year but who knows, God has a plan for us! 

But it was only until I saw the sonogram that it only confirm my fears and surprised us. I am actually going through a period of grieve as my popo just passed away. Just when I know this news, but she didn't have the chance to see my child or even know she has become a grand-grandma for me. I feel so sad and is like a new life is given while another life is taken away. I hope she will be able to bless my child from above.

I missed my period for two months and I though is the usual hormone imbalance or stress as I just started a new job. I had ever missed for months before and went to drink herbal drinks for it to come. But then, I had spotting everyday for two weeks. I was annoyed about it and decided to see the polyclinic to solve the problem. 

So we went to Yishun Polyclinic near our house and the waited an hour before we saw the doctor. I gave my urine sample and tested for pregnancy which may be one of the symptoms. The first thing the doctor said to me was... Can you GUESS? 
"Congrats." Your urine test shows positive and above 25...". I am like   "Are you sure? It may be my hormones... "
Then he told me to go KK women hospital asap emergency to test and scan to confirm it as it may be a sign of miscarriage.

Amos and I then went down to KK WOMEN Hospital and I had my urine tested again. 

By that time, I was anxious, nervous and Amos could feel it too. I said a short prayer of if its thy's will help me to have a healthy baby. And true enough, the female doctor said its positive and there are two lines. I am like ok, lets' scan and see what you can find. 
I went into the next room and they insert something into me and i was so nervous. I was like is it done already?
And the doctor finally showed me the small tiny dot in my womb and true enough there was a baby growing in me! 👶I finally believed and was in utter happiness and shock. 
Amos saw the picture but he did not teared, he was like ohhh... ok. Maybe he was expecting it? haha...😏
I was like hoping he would cry like in those videos of hubs crying tears of joy when they heard the news of their wives got pregnant. well well..

I am lucky I don't suffer from those horrible morning sickness many women experieces. maybe not yet.. So I am just trying to think positive and trying to eat properly everyday. Nothing in particular but more healthy food and less junkfood, icecream...etc..

That's all I can say for now as I go on this baby journey for now & I hope to experience wonderful things, learn new things, update more about my experiences, the pain and joy, the ups and downs and the wonderful gift God has given us so dearly. 

We thank God for this precious gift and all I hope now is that it will be a normal, healthy and good child as it comes into this complicated world. Whether if it is a boy or girl, I will love him or her and do my best as a mother. 💪

I do want a boy but Amos wants a girl. As I come from a all daugthers' family and he comes from a all sons' family.

I am still new in this motherhood journey as it's my first. I hope you all can share with me your tips & stories!

Pray for me as I go through this first nerve-wreaking one. I am so grateful, excited, nervous, eager, scared & overwhelmed with emotions. But it's the best bundle of feelings I have ever felt in my life!💓💓


Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

A tribute to my grandmother


My grandmother passed away on 13 December 2017. 

My Popo is a very special person. She is the best grandma you could ask for. My story goes back to when I was a baby she took care mainly of me for one year as my elder sis is just a year older than me so my mum had two too close to take care. I am sure she fed me well because I was so chubby then.

I still remember she would carry me to take a crawling picture at the studio. Once I was fighting with my elder sis and she hit me so we started hitting Each other back. My Popo saw it and tried to intervene. She put her hand on my sis and hit her own hand like she’s hitting her instead. Then she said ok ok see.. I hit her already to stop us from fighting.
This shows she rather hit herself than see us hitting each other.
That action stayed in my mind until today. 
I remembered staying with her for a few years in Pasir Ris when I was a grown adult. Everyday life was simple for her. She loves fish head and would cook it with beehoon and bitter gourd every night for dinner. Such a simple person who eats so simple. 
When I come home from work and laze on the sofa for an hour she would scold me and say:”Ppl is shower first thing when they come home but u will laze there so smelly.. quickly go bath.”
I would often get awake by the jiggling sound of her jade and gold bracelet. Her usual cup of coffee in the morning with bread. 
She would do my laundry and fold my dry clothes when she has time in the evening. 
Almost every noon, she would invite her majong friends to play majong at her house. She could sit there for hours not getting tired at all. And she was the oldest among them. At the end of the day, I often ask if she won or lost. Many a times she would say I make some. But when she lost, she would say sometimes u win, sometimes u lose. It’s alright.
I can’t forget all her have done for me because her actions showed me she really cared.

She don’t expect much but always tell me to work no matter how low the pay it may be or whatever it is. She would say:”I want to work but I am so old useless, nobody want to hire me. “
It instills in me a never say die attitude and to work hard in whatever I do. As long I work hard I will succeed. 
She loves me a lot and I can tell from her actions of kissing me and telling me to be a good girl. I would buy for her her favorite durian ice cream those cheap $2 cut type and she would be so happy and put there to melt a while before she eats.
She always help others and never demand anything for herself. When my sis and I were studying in the states she so gladly helped us with part of our school fees. That’s why we could later on graduate and be where we are today.
I know Popo aged a lot in recent years and I know her time is not long. My dream was to get married while she’s still ard and witness. So last year I got married and she got to witness the whole thing. I am so glad she got to see Amos, talk to him and accept him. 

I know you will see us in heaven and I can’t wait to see u again. I love u and will miss u dearly. Thank you for all your love, your help and most of all your example of being such a humble yet generous woman. Your legacy will be passed on. I hope you will be peaceful and happy in the other world. 

I often tell her my worries or secrets but now I will have someone less to share my woes and praise my achievements.
To cheer me in this road called life.
To kiss me whenever I am there.
To cook delicious home cooked meals.
To nag and scold me for the sake of my good.
To always tell me to be a good girl.
To Kiss my pooh bear 😍
To be a peacemaker at home

And finally to love and accept me for who I am.

If I could be just half as great of what she is would be good enough. Her strength for the whole family can be seen through her giving and love. I don’t have her anymore but even though she’s gone!. She will always be there in my heart.
Popo you have done your part and I know you are a saint now. All the good deeds you have done won’t be forgotten. Thank you. Please go to rest now and I will see you in eternity.